le consummer

yesterday, after a particularly glum, grey day, i bought myself this dress on line to cheer myself up. in and of itself, that seems a fairly innocuous confession. there are probably nuns out there who have a longer list of sins to worry about. for me, however, while the action was incredibly satisfying in the moment, it's ultimately a disappointment as it only further reinforced the identity of an overconsumer that, for the past few months, i've been trying to escape.

i'm uncomfortable with why i shop. i don't like that sometimes the only way i feel i can allay anxiety, depression, or insecurity, or the only i way i can assert an identity is to buy something. lately, it has actually made me feel physically ill. i was in a shop with a friend the other day, at her insistence ("you must not get much of an opportunity to shop," she said, "living out in the country. let's go and check out a few shops and see what's about." well-meaning, but misguided.), and felt completely uninterested in buying anything. it was similar to that feeling you get when you've eaten your fill and the sight of food makes you feel uncomfortable. there was no emotion there whatsoever.

monday, however, there was lots of emotion about, and i'm disappointed that i turned to my comforting consumer identity to deal with it. in order to quiet anxieties i have about the amount of dissertation work i have to do this summer, i imagined myself keeping cool in this navy blue le sac dress from american apparel, while hunched over my laptop, industriously typing away. all of a sudden the dress seemed integral to my academic success. it was a talisman of the new productive me that would take up residence in my life this summer, and in no way reference the not-so-productive me who had been living in my life earlier that day.

while i don't think i'll ever be one of those people who completely foregoes shopping as a form of pleasure, i would like to be less dependent on consumer practices for identifying who i am, and for healing myself. at the moment however, i feel incapable of doing so, and that dependency is galling.